In the Tradition of "See Something, Say Something": Avoid this Movie

I fully realize that the 21^st Century bywords “see something say something” pertain to something quite more serious than movies. But, I was witness to something so horrendous over the weekend that I feel compelled to “say something” as a warning to unsuspecting Coen Brothers movies fans everywhere. Here it is: “Avoid at all costs the train wreck of a movie now playing in theaters called “Hail Caesar.”'

I am an unashamed fan of Joel and Ethan Coen’s writing and directorial work. “O Brother Where Art Thou?”; “Raising Arizona”; “Miller’s Crossing”; and the remake of “True Grit” are truly among my favorite movies of all times. Their writing credits for other major films like Angelina Jolie’s “Unbroken” and Steven Spielberg’s “Bridge of Spies” have also left an unforgettable mark on fine movie making. How then, can the mess of “Hail, Caesar!” be explained?

Ever since coming across the first trailer for the film months ago, I awaited the release date of the movie with excitement and anticipation. The previews and even a few early reviews of the film I discovered described another spectacular movie exercise in comedy along the lines of my favorite, “O Brother.” The cast was promising: George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand and Channing Tatum among others including another personal favorite in a bit role, Wayne Knight—Newman of the old Seinfeld show. The trailers showed edited glimpses of slapstick genius and described a plot line that never materialized in the actual movie.

Only two vaguely humorous things occurred in the 100 minutes that my family and I were held captive in our local theater for a viewing of “Caesar.” The first was a bit at the beginning in which Wayne Knight appears as one of two hapless kidnappers out to bag movie star Clooney. Knight remains a gifted physical comedian given something to work with. The Coens would have done well to keep him involved with the rest of the movie.  The second almost funny bit concerned a roundtable discussion involving a rabbi, a protestant preacher, a Catholic priest, and a Greek Orthodox priest assembled by a movie studio exec to discuss and approve a movie’s depiction of Jesus Christ. After six or seven minutes of banter reflecting each man’s refusal to accept the religious tenants of the others, it wrapped with one holy man telling the studio executive: “Eh. I’ve seen worse.”

Too bad I can't say the same about this mess. From that point on the laughs were over.

The trailers described the plot like this: Somebody kidnapped a 1950s era mega movie star played by Clooney right in the middle of the filming of a new studio epic called “Hail, Caesar!” and only Hollywood’s biggest starts can find him. We helpless movie goers thought we were in for a slapstick unleashing of 1950s stereotypical movie stars for a funny search for Clooney’s character. Forget it. It never happened. Instead we got boring communist intellectual discussions by a band of blacklisted writers, a feeble minded Clooney struggling to comprehend, and a sprinkling of Coen versions of Hollywood stars who never actually got involved in the hunt for the kidnapped actor (except for a stooge-like cowboy actor who stumbles in on the plot).

The Coens wasted Hill, Johansson and others with only passing relevance to the action in dead-end unfunny subplots. They seemed to just be making up parts for their pals including Coen spouse Frances McDormand. There is a bit in the middle with Channing Tatum dancing with sailors that was a surprising change of pace for the action star and wasn’t horrible to sit through. The film sank lower and lower from there.

I was also offended that the editing done for the trailers did not reflect what eventually happened in the movie. The trailers were funny. Executed in the full film, they lost their edge and didn’t even elicit a chuckle. As a result, the only things funny about “Caesar” appeared in the TV commercials. Just one more reason movie goers should save their money.

I know, I know, film critics out there have been quick to tell we unwashed and uncouth folks in the hinterland that this is a Hollywood spoof that uses the awfulness of the 1950s movies portrayed in “Hail, Caesar” to make a point that the studio system was breaking down and the cold war and the red scare were influencing the way movies were made and presented. Okay. Sure. That’s probably all true but for goodness sakes, don’t wrap this in the mantle of comedy, put the Coen brand on it to make us think it is going to be good, then torture us with 100 minutes of pure drivel that, if it doesn’t ruin that tested Coen brand, sure tarnished it.

Apparently, I wasn’t alone in looking forward to this film. It was projected to earn between $9-11 million in its opening weekend. It made $543,000 during its Thursday night previews and $4.3 million on its first day. It grossed $11.4 million in its entire opening weekend finished second behind “Kung Fu Panda 3.” I will be keeping a close watch to see if and how much earnings plunge after word of mouth sinks a knife into this Caesar’s chest like Brutus in a bad mood.

Sitting through this mess was almost enough to put me off going to movies for a while. I usually don’t write movie reviews. I may never write one again. And, I will be more than cautious the next time a Coen Brothers movie comes to town.  But this time, I saw something and I had to say something.